It was during this years Dead by Dawn
horror film festival that I was made aware of a problem that I
have. It's not a major problem but it could turn into one if I'm
not careful. I think I'm becoming something that I have mocked in
the past, something I have looked down upon, something I swore I would
never become. I think I'm becoming a film snob.
AAARGH!!! Even typing those words made me cringe and make me want
to curl up into a ball and hibernate forever.
You see I'm a movie nerd (I may as well admit it now, no point denying
it), I sleep, eat breath and shit movies. So I feel I have a
right to go to Dead by Dawn every year and feel like an expert know it
all. But it's those first timers, those types who think it would
be fun to watch a bunch of horror movies all day and all night.
They get right under my skin. It gets worse when they win the
cool prizes at the end of the last day. Half of them don't know
what the fuck they have won or don't care and have sold it on Ebay
within 24 hours. They walk off with cool stuff and I end up with
Bride of Chucky and the Toxic fucking Avenger.
Let's put it this way. Psycho was one of the classics that they
screened this year (not the remake you colossal cracker heads) and some
of the audience had never seen the fucker before (and they have the
audacity to call themselves horror movie fans). Another example,
a horror film festival is going to show extreme movies, so it is safe
to assume that the audience likes
extreme movies and actively seek them out. They will read the
books and mags, bookmark the websites etc. So can somebody
explain to me how some members of the audience had never seen a Takashi
Miike film before? I still can't believe it. There is no
excuse.
I thought out loud that there should be some kind of vetting process
where if you haven't seen a certain number and/or kind of movies then
you ain't getting to attend the festival. You know it makes
sense. But I'm just being elitist and snobby; they have every
right to be there, same as me. But there is a little part in me
that wants the whole festival for myself. It gets worse, when I
go to see a regular film I don't want anyone else in the cinema with me
or at the very least no one sitting in front, behind or beside
me. And that's at least three seats away in front, back or beside
me. I mean I need a chair for my coat and my bag. You see
where I'm coming from. Cool. I knew you would understand.
Which leads on to some rules that I would enforce if I ever have the
fortune to run my own cinema.
No kids under 10 (unless it was a special
screening for
them on a Sat morning or something). Question after question
comes
rushing from their mouths about every little thing that happens on
screen and the parents answer every question, it's like a live running
commentary.
No late entry. And I mean it, as soon as
the adverts
come on there is no way in hell you are going to get into the cinema,
no matter how hard you beg and plead. No fucking way!
No getting up to get munchies or take a slash
after the
adverts and trailers are finished and the film is about to start.
That's what the adverts and trailers are there for. The over
priced
ticket you paid for is for the movie not the fucking ad's and trailers,
you dumb fucks.
No talking when the film starts, It's
silence during
the ad's and the trailers and then when the movie begins: yack, yack,
yack, blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up or get the fuck out!
Mobile phones. Why the hell are they
switched on when
you are out for a night's entertainment? Switch them off for a
couple
of hours for chrissakes! It ain't gonna kill you. Or maybe
it would,
which would be a good thing for us true cinema lovers. I would
hire
people just to watch out for audience members dipping into their
pockets or bags for a fly glance at their phone to see if someone has
tried to call or text. Hey I'm guilty of that one myself, so I'll
be
forgiving for a while but then it will be an instant throwing out
offence (not just the phone, the whole bloody person too).
Another thing I have found myself doing is hating when
something I thought I only knew about (I know that it was total
bullshit but it gave me a nice warn fuzzy feeling inside) or very few
people knew about suddenly becomes public knowledge and everyone jumps
onto the bandwagon. Right now I'm heavily into Japanese horror
movies and I'm seeing loads of movies that deserve a bigger audience
but part of me doesn't want that to happen, why? Coz I want to let
people know about it. I want to talk about movies and say
something like "Well if you like Ring then you will love this". I
will then try and show off my knowledge of obscure movies and make out
that what I'm saying is real important and means something. But
in the end it's all a big bunch of bullshit. I'm just kidding
myself on and unfortunately everyone knows it. Hell, most of them
probably think I'm making this shit up (which would be nice, coz I
would be writing my own ticket right now if I had). Here is an
example of when this happened. The film was The Story of
Riki. I came across this movie around about the time I
was
getting heavily into Jackie Chan films and I purchased a copy of this
on the assumption that it was going to be similar to the Chanmeisters
stuntfests. On initial viewing I was a bit disappointed but that
disappointment didn't last too long. Here was a movie that I had
discovered by myself and was able to tell folks about and lend it out
and make people wonder what kind of a sick fuck I really was. And
for a while it worked. But not anymore, now you can buy it
totally uncut from any decent DVD stockist. It's not fair!
The thing is it's pure murder trying to tell a non movie buff about the
movies that float your boat at any given time. They don't share
your enthusiasm so you see that glazed look slowly slide across their
eyes. You just want to shout at them, HEY THIS IS IMPORTANT SHIT,
SO SIT DOWN AND LISTEN UP. In the end though it isn't important,
but it is to us. If you show enthusiasm for something these days
you are called a geek or a nerd, if you follow something with a passion
then you are boring because you don't do anything else. Well,
it's time for that to stop! From now on I'll scream from the
tallest building about some obscure Japanese horror movie or that
Hellboy is one of the coolest films of the year. There will be no
shame. Only pride. So should it be for whatever you are
into.
